Today, I share my feelings about almost dying and the resulting bouts of grief, gratitude, and guilt.
It was six months ago and it shook me up. I had a heart attack and I almost died. I mean I could have died. I didn’t die. When I realized I still had all my faculties, I began to consider what I might do with my life.
I suffered GRIEF for the life I almost lost. I grieved over what I might have missed with my husband, my children, my grandkids, my sisters, my friends. Although my life was saved, that close call gave me a sense of grief.
Now I fill my heart with memories of love, joy, and happiness with them. I try extra hard to let them know how much I love them and make an effort to spend time with them.
GUILT takes on many faces. A dear friend of mine died last month from breast cancer. She fought for eight long years and still she died. Of course, she’s in a better place and is no longer suffering, but I feel a sense of GUILT because I’m still alive.
Then there’s the guilt over my life habits, smoking years ago and all those fatty foods I ate and shouldn’t have. And even worse, the guilt of thinking my “busyness” was so damn important! I am guilty of all that and yet I lived. My counselor says these feelings are normal.
That brings me to GRATITUDE. I’m so grateful God gave me a second chance. He gave me a reality check with this heart attack. He had a different plan for my last act.
My third act began when I threw myself a party for a milestone birthday last year. I was going to start the next decade with a big bang.
I wanted the last part of my life to include writing a book or two; teach and record some on-line writing classes (so they become ‘ever-green’ sellers); and a clever website where all my things would sell “while I sleep”.
My husband and I had latched onto a quote from Warren Buffet about smart business people making money in their sleep. I dreamed of developing multiple income streams so I could follow this philosophy.
Then we could spend summers on the Oregon Coast and winters in Tucson.
That’s a pretty normal dream for a retired, reinvented, crafty 70-year-old, isn’t it? Isn’t that how all on-line entrepreneurs do it?
The internet gurus were teaching this and I was eating it up. I had a been a go-getter and make-things-happen kind of gal from way back (I remember the day I bought my first power suit in the ‘80’s).
I loved a challenge – I thrived on them!!
I believed I could power through any situation. I could keep going and keep achieving, no matter the cost! I think it nearly killed me.
I was in the middle of a fresh career; writing a book, teaching writing, and coaching writers – I was living my dream.
I kept up my social presence just like I was 32, attending mixers & networking events, handing out business cards, promoting programs and classes and loving every minute of it.
And then there was the social media presence – that thing that shouldn’t take too much of our time. I posted with strategy at certain times of day to groups and platforms to maximize exposure.
The networking was fun but it would wear me out. And the social media effort – I fell into the trap of posting only the prettiest pictures of me and my friends having fun, collaborating and doing business together.
I spent too much time liking, responding, posting, on face book, Instagram, and twitter.
All that stopped with one life changing incident –
a frightening heart attack, four fuzzy days in the hospital, two stents in my heart arteries, five weeks in a defibrillator life vest, eight bottles of medicines with long names, special pillows to comfort me, a walker to get me to the bathroom and the most debilitating fatigue I’ve ever experienced.
The day of my heart attack I was so pissed off! Everything was falling apart. All my plans, my scheduled classes filled with students, all that work down the drain! My classes had to be cancelled, students contacted and money refunded.
“This is so inconvenient,” I complained while in the hospital. When they wheeled me back to Cath lab for a second stent, I thought, “oh shit!”
I began to realize my busy schedule was NOT the important thing here.
My brain was swimming with things to do and people to call when a voice in my head said, “But wait, you are alive – you could have died and you didn’t. How about that, Miss busy person?”
My body was telling me something and quick action saved my life.
Then my heart doctor gave me a lecture on cutting back anything and everything that causes stress.
I thought stress was anything that caused me great upset or anxiety. But I learned from a soft spoken cardiac nurse that stress is more than being upset.
“Basically,” she said, “stress is taking on too much. Doing too many things without enough time. Many women take time to take care of everybody else before they even think about caring for themselves.”
Hmmm I thought, she described me to a tee!
I would help a friend needing advice; or take a seat on a committee; or play host in my home to promote this person or that cause. It became an addictive behavior and I couldn’t stop myself from running around in circles with all my ‘busyness’.
The old me always said yes to everything, never thinking it was causing stress.
I had to face facts, my stress was self-induced. I had taken on so much I hadn’t left any energy for myself.
Now I say, “that was the old me, I’m not that person anymore.” I can say no to the things that will get done without me because I have to pull back. That pressure cooker life is over.
I’m getting used to the “new me”, she is strong but relaxed. She has faced grief, gratitude, and guilt and is here to tell about it.