HEART BROKEN
I broke my heart in 2018, not from a lost love but because it really broke.
Have you ever broken a bone? My sister broke her leg on the ski slopes once. I was skiing right next to her on the same slope, yet my leg did not break.
She was taken into a nearby Colorado town to the hospital. There a doctor set her leg, put it in a cast to heal and said, “You’ll be good as new in six weeks”.
If you break your heart the doctor can fix some things but you’re not quite good as new. The “fix” is often a tiny little stent inserted into your artery while in a “Cath Lab” at the hospital.
I have two, some people have four or five. I met a guy once who has nine.
I joined the ranks of fixed repaired hearts on a sunny Saturday in February. It was my birthday, I was terrified because when they said heart attack, I was sure I would die.
When you get this kind of fix, somehow you believe your heart will go back to normal, but with many of us heart patients, there’s damage. Even though that artery is working, it is not back to full capacity.
After heart failure, my life changed forever. Each day of my hospital stay, I heard from either a doctor or a nurse about pills with long names, special diets to keep sodium and cholesterol levels at bay, exercises to strengthen my body and my heart, and a contraption called a defibrillator life vest.
The phrase “new normal” was bantered around like a volley ball. I began to cry. A soft-spoken cardiac nurse said “What’s wrong”?
I blubbered, “I don’t know what to do. I had a heart attack and it was fixed but I don’t feel like it! I want to feel normal but I don’t”!
If I could have stomped my foot I would. I was pissed off.
The more I thought about, the emotions started to boil. Why was I so angry? She was quick to reply, “this is normal. You will feel a roller coaster of emotions now and all during your recovery”.
I wiped my eyes and looked into her thoughtful face while she said, “you are suffering grief – grieving the life you think you’re losing”.
The tears began again, “Will I ever be normal again? Will my heart be normal”?
She calms me by saying, “you will get to a new normal, but your heart has damage from the heart attack. I can’t say how this damage will affect your daily life, but I can tell you, you may feel depressed at some point. When you do, get help.”
“For now, get some rest, you’re in good hands”, and left the room silently.
I slept, I dreamed, I thanked God for saving my life, I filled my heart with gratitude to tamp down the anger. I allowed my sadness and grief.
The day I was released, I wanted to jump for joy but couldn’t because I was too weak, needing a walker to get home and then inside my own house getting from room to room.
Now two years later, my heart pumps to its own beat. I still catch emotions rising. Is this my new normal?
I wish for my kindly cardiac nurse to appear, soothe my brow, and say “Yes, dear, it is”.